No More
by Wandering Paladin
Summary: What if Eleven died closing the gate? Would Mike be able to cope with losing her forever, or will it destroy him? Centered on the five stages of grief, not a happy story.
1. Chapter 1

Greetings and salutations readers of the internet!

I've had this story floating around in my head for a while, and it makes me want to cry, but if I didn't do something with it I would hate myself.

This isn't a happy story, proceed at your own risk.

* * *

 _"Just be careful, alright" Mike implores her, his voice choked with emotion. "I can't lose you again."_

 _"You won't lose me," She tells him, shaking her head._

 _"Do you promise?" Mike asks, not sure if he can go through this again._

 _"Promise," She answers with utter certainty._

XxX

 **November 3**

The tension in the Byers' home is palpable, Mike relentlessly pacing around the house. His exhausted friends are sprawled anywhere there's space, long tired of Mike's pacing, but not willing to interrupt.

When the roar of the Chief's truck becomes audible, soon joined by light flooding the room, Mike rushes outside, almost running straight through the door before he can get it open.

His heart is pounding in chest, the anxiety of not knowing reaching its peak. When the engine cuts out the headlights turn off, and Hopper gets out.

Only Hopper gets out...

"Where's El?" Mike questions, the knot of tension in his stomach tightening.

Hopper's face is streaked with tears through the dust caked on it, his eyes puffy and red. He slowly shakes his head, only making it far enough to lean against the hood of the truck before he has to cover his eyes with his hand again.

"No," Mike murmurs, ice shooting through his veins. "She promised..."

His legs buckle underneath him, sending him crashing to his hands and knees. With the sound of rushing feet, Nancy hugs him close as his tears start to fall.

Mike's agonizing cries tear out his throat, the sound of someone who's lost the most important person they've ever known. The person they love more than life itself, ripped away forever.

Joyce rushes over to Hopper before he can collapse as well. It takes some struggle, but she manages to get him inside.

Once Mike's cries die down to strangled sobs Nancy tries to help him inside as well. She manages to get him on his feet and walking toward the door when he just breaks away, running as fast as his feet can carry him away from the house.

They call after him, too stunned and too deep in grief to think to run after him right away. He disappears into the trees, barely registering anything around him.

Mike's never been the most athletic kid, but when he stops the run doesn't seem to register with him. Nothing really seems to register anymore, not the cuts and scrapes all over his hands and face from when he tripped over roots and stones, not the fact that he just ran all the way to quarry, not even that he's standing perilously close to the edge of the cliff.

The only thing that he can think about is El.

Every moment they'd had together plays on repeat in his head, from finding her in the woods while looking for Will a year ago, to the time he managed to kiss her and ask her to the Snowball, to just a few hours ago when they'd finally reunited.

"Promise," She answered, with utter certainty.

Mike's cries start again, like a wounded animal. He doesn't even notice when Nancy and Jonathan drive up, or even when Nancy pulls him away from the edge.

He finally falls asleep in the back of the car from pure exhaustion, his sister still holding him.

XxX

 **December 8**

"So tell me, how are you feeling this week?" Dr. Owens asks, sitting down in the armchair next to Mike's.

"The same way I've been the last four times Nancy dragged me here," Mike responds curtly, staring at the same stain on the carpet he looks at every week.

"How are things going at school?" The doctor continues, still ever friendly.

"How do you think?" Mike retorts, his grip on the arms of his chair tightening and loosening. His knuckles are red from his latest fight with Troy.

"I hear you were suspended for fighting this week," Dr. Owens comments, flipping a page over on his clipboard to see the school report. "You broke his nose, two teeth, two black eyes, and his jaw might be dislocated. It took two teachers to pull you off of him before you killed him."

Mike stays silent, sinking lower in the chair, but not shifting his gaze from the stain. The doctor stays silent as well, waiting for some kind of explanation.

"He said the world was better off without her," Mike finally mutters, his red knuckles turning white as he tightens his grip again.

"And that made you angry," The doctors says. "It's a perfectly normal reaction when dealing with grief like this."

Mike just scoffs at the observation.

"However, getting into fights isn't the way to process your anger," Dr. Owens continues. "Are you getting enough sleep? Or are the nightmares still happening?"

"Same as the last four times you asked," Mike tells him shortly.

"Have you been taking the sleeping pills I prescribed for you?" The doctor asks, making a few notes on his clipboard.

"No, and I don't want to," Mike answers, crossing his arms.

"And how about your journal?" Dr. Owens follows up. "Are you still writing in it?"

Mike stays silent again and Dr. Owens makes another note.

"It's a good thing to keep up with," He comments, flipping to another page. "You obviously don't want to talk to me, or to your sister or friends, so at least talk to the page. Once you can get your grief out in the open, even if it's a private journal, you'll be able to see more of how you can keep going."

Mike presses his lips together, determined not to speak anymore. The session continues a little longer with more fruitless questions, until Dr. Owens finally concedes for the week.

"Since you're not so talkative this week I think we can end a little early," He says, flipping all the pages closed on his board. "Unless you want to say anything."

He waits another few moments, but when no answer is forthcoming he sighs and gets up. The board clicks when he puts it down on the desk, and then he writes a short note on another piece of paper.

Mike gets up and leaves the office, the doctor not far behind him. Nancy gets up once Mike comes into the reception area of the office, but he just stalks past her toward the parking lot.

"He's making some progress," Dr. Owens tells her. "It's slow, but he's moved past the denial stage, at least partially. I know it's not the best solution, but if you could get some kind of punching bag together for him, it might let him vent some of his anger in a less destructive way."

He hands her the paper, with most of what he just said on it, as well as a few more private details he can't say aloud.

"Thank you," She says, looking it over. "For everything."

"Don't even think about," He tells her. "It's the least I can do after...everything."

Nancy just nods tiredly, putting the paper in her back before bidding the doctor goodbye. She heads out to the parking lot where Mike is impatiently waiting for her to unlock the car.

XxX

 **May 18**

"Well, you've certainly made an impression on your school counselor," Dr. Owens comments, reading through a monthly report he'd received about Mike. "Straight A's since February, volunteering with the preschool and kindergarten programs after school every day, _and_ community outreach with the St. John Youth Ministry every Sunday after mass."

"It's not that much," Mike mutters awkwardly.

"I beg to differ," Dr. Owens responds, sitting down in his usual chair again. "When I started seeing you, the last things you would have wanted to do were studying and community service. Now it's almost all you do, I just hope you're still giving yourself enough time to relax with your friends."

"It's a little hard sometimes," Mike tells him, actually looking at him for once. "They just don't seem to realize how important these things can be, all they ever want to do is play video games and D&D."

"That's not a problem for people your age, Michael," The doctor says, laying a reassuring hand on Mike's shoulder. "You don't have to do everything yourself. If you let yourself relax and have some mindless fun with your friends every once in awhile it can actually help you focus more into everything else."

Mike nods, genuinely taking the words into account.

"Now, what about things at home?" Dr. Owens asks. "How are things with your parents? And your sisters?"

"They're getting better," Mike answers, cracking a smile. "Mom let me have my allowance back since my grades are better. Dad's the same as always, but I guess that's not terrible. Nancy and I talk more, I guess, like we said we'd do. Even Holly and I are spending more time together since I volunteer with her class."

"That's great to hear, it's always good when you and your family can support each other," Dr. Owens tells him. "Now, just a little business to go over. How are you sleeping now that you're coming off the pills? Are you getting any nightmares?"

"I've had a few," Mike admits. "But they weren't as bad as before, and they're pretty far between instead of every night."

"The same ones as before?" The doctor continues, looking back at a different page on his clipboard.

Mike goes silent, looking down at the ground again, but nodding slowly.

"It's okay to say these things out loud, Michael, this is a safe place for you," The doctor informs him. "No details about what you tell me go to anyone but your parents, and they're letting Nancy handle this for you."

"The same ones," Mike finally murmurs, reaching up and grabbing the cross pendant around his neck, something he'd started doing a lot in the few months since he bought it.

Dr. Owens nods, giving the boy another reassuring pat on the shoulder.

"It's perfectly normal to still be grieving for someone you love," Dr. Owens explains. "Sometimes it can take days, sometimes weeks, months, even years before you can fully come to grips. You're doing remarkably well for your age, especially compared to how you started."

Mike nods, pushing up a tight smile.

"I think that's enough for today," Dr. Owens says, getting up to put his clipboard on his desk. As always he writes a few notes on another piece of paper, folds it in half, and then he and Mike exit the office.

Nancy waits in the reception area, reading through a few magazines. She looks up when the door opens and puts her reading away, giving her little brother a hug, though he pushes her off in embarrassment.

"I'll be in the car," Mike says after she hands him the key, now a routine for them.

Once he's gone she gives the doctor an expectant look.

"He's a remarkable boy," Dr. Owens starts. "He's throwing himself into a lot of goodwill projects, and for now it's helping him cope."

"Is that not a good thing?" Nancy asks, adjusting the bag on her shoulder.

"For a time, yes, it can be very helpful in moving past the worst part of losing someone you love," He answers carefully. "But, this is just another stage of grief that he needs to make it through. He started going to church every Sunday, with or without the rest of the family, he joined the Youth Ministry, he started volunteering with young children, and the list goes on."

"I still don't see how any of that is bad for him," Nancy responds.

"It's a kind of bargaining," Dr. Owens clarifies. "Once people realize that getting angry at the world isn't going to change anything for them, they start trying to bargain with something greater than themselves. Most of the time it's along the lines of making a deal with God, 'if I do enough good things for the world, I'll get to wake up and it will all just be a bad dream'. Some people devote their whole lives to bargaining with God, hoping that the next day will be when they finally get to wake up."

Nancy doesn't say anything, giving a concerned glance over her shoulder toward the parking lot.

"What am I supposed to do about it?" Nancy questions, her grip tightening around her bag.

"Help him get back into the things he enjoyed before," Dr. Owens suggests. "He mentioned video games and D&D with his friends, those would be a good anchor for him in this stage. Even if the bargaining doesn't work, he can still find happiness in something with them."

Nancy nods, taking a deep breath as she accepts the paper from the doctor.

XxX

 **October 6**

"Nancy tells me you've had a pretty hard week," Dr. Owens says, setting his clipboard on the arm of the chair. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

Mike remains staunchly silent, lightly tracing over the small split in his lip. His eyes are puffy and red, and his knuckles aren't much better.

"It's definitely not an easy thing to go through, especially on top of everything else we've talked about," Dr. Owens continues. "But I think if you're willing to talk about it, you'll be able to work through it easier."

Mike still says nothing, crossing his arm over his chest and fixing his gaze on the same stain on the carpet.

"I'll tell you what," The doctor says after a few more silent moments. "I'll share my story with you, and then you can decide if you want to talk to me."

He only gets more silence as a response, so he delves into his personal story.

"When I was a child, my father liked to drink, quite often in fact," He starts. "And he had a terrible temper most of the time. Anytime my little brother or I did something he didn't like, he would unbuckle his belt, and we would try to run away. My brother was never very fast, so I let my father catch me instead."

Mike shifts uncomfortably in the chair, still not looking up.

"Around when I was a sophomore in high school, and my brother was in seventh, our mother finally decided to divorce our father," Dr. Owens continues. "They would have shouting matches every night, and my brother would be scared, so I let him sleep in my room. I have to doubt if our parents ever really loved each other when they fought like that."

Mike's lips press tightly against each other so he won't speak, though it seems like he has to focus some effort on it.

"It took me a long time to stop being bitter toward the both of them," Dr. Owens explains. "You want to know what finally did it for me? I realized that the most important thing wasn't what I didn't have anymore, the perfect little suburban family, it was what I did still have, my brother. No matter how bad our parents fought, I still had him in my life, and I knew that he needed me."

"At least you still had someone like that!" Mike shouts. "You know how many people need me?! None!"

"That's not true Michael," The doctor tells him calmly, having expected this reaction. "Your friends would be devastated to lose you, and your sisters would never be the same without you in their lives, especially now."

"I'm sure they'd move on just fine," Mike spits. "Just like they all move on from everything and forget it ever happened."

With that he storms out of the room, throwing the door open so hard it bangs against the wall. Nancy doesn't even have time to put her magazine down before he's already out the door.

"What happened?!" She demands when Dr. Owens appears in the doorway.

"A bit of a backfire on my part, though not entirely unexpected," He admits. "I told him a story about my parents' divorce, and how I found my strength to keep going from how my brother still needed me. He feels like nobody needs him anymore, and that everyone could just move on if he was gone."

"I thought you were supposed to help him!" Nancy shouts, angrily throwing her magazine on the ground.

"I can only do so much as a counselor," Dr. Owens tells her. "Unless he's willing to talk to me, all I can do is give suggestions."

"And what are you suggesting now?" Nancy asks, trying her hardest to regain her composure after her outburst.

"Don't let him be alone for extended periods of time," The doctor answers. "And try talking to him about this. He needs to know that there are still people in the world that need him, ones that would miss him if he was gone."

He hands her his latest note, and she stuffs it into her bag, quickly rushing out the door after her brother.

"I've got a bad feeling about this," Dr. Owens mutters to himself in the empty reception room, moving to look out the window at the two siblings.

Nancy says something to him when she gets to the car, to which Mike just starts shouting. After a few more moments of that he just turns and leaves, stalking away across the parking lot.

Nancy races after him, just barely catching him at the edge of the road. She holds both of his arms before bringing him in for a hug. Mike doesn't push her away, but he doesn't hug her back either. When she pulls back he lets his sister lead him back to the car. He doesn't even resist, as if he's just given up all together.

XxX

 **October 22**

"I don't think I can go to school today," Mike groans, holding his stomach.

His mother gives him a look, the same ones she's given him the last dozen times he's tried this. She puts a hand on his forehead, clearing his mess of hair out of the way so she can actually feel it.

"You are a little warm," She murmurs, biting the inside of her cheek.

She goes over to a drawer and takes out a thermometer. Mike doesn't try to stop her from putting it in his mouth. After a few minutes she takes it out.

"Ninety nine point eight," She reads, and then sighs. "I guess you can stay home for today, but I want you to get some of your chores done."

"Fine," Mike groans again, going back to holding his stomach.

Karen goes to get Holly from her room for preschool as Nancy comes back downstairs with her backpack on her shoulder.

"Where's your stuff?" She asks, looking around the kitchen.

"I'm staying home today," Mike answers, still holding his stomach. "I'm not feeling too well right now."

Nancy has the same slightly suspicious and concerned look that her mother had, feeling his forehead again.

"It's just a little fever," Mike tells her. "And my stomach."

"Alright, I guess feel better," She says, bringing him into a hug. "Maybe we can go to the arcade after school if you're feeling better?"

"Maybe," He murmurs back. When she starts to pull away he stops her, tightening his grip. "I love you."

For a few moments Nancy is too stunned to speak, it's been months since Mike said that too her without prompting.

"Are you sure you're alright?" She asks again.

"I will be," He assures her. "Thanks for everything, and I mean it, I love you for it."

"Okay," Nancy replies, still suspicious. "I love you too."

He finally lets her go and she hesitates a few seconds before starting to leave. When the door closes Karen and Holly come back down the stairs.

Holly rushes over to Mike when her mother sets her down. He picks her up with a smile, giving her a big hug as well.

"Good morning!" She exclaims, hugging her brother back.

"Morning Holly," He responds quietly. "You're gonna do your best today, right?"

"Yeah!" Holly answers with a giggle.

"You're such a good girl," He says, squeezing a little tighter. "I love you."

"I love you too," Holly tells him in her adorable five year old way.

"Okay, we need to get going or you'll be late," Karen interrupts. "Mike, you get started on those chores."

"Alright," Mike assures her, setting Holly down to give his mother a hug as well. "I know I don't say it enough, but I love you."

She eyes her son suspiciously again.

"Maybe it's good that you're staying home today," She comments, but hugs him back all the same. "Okay Mike, I love you too."

With that he lets her go, and she rushes out the door with Holly in tow. Mike sighs, going up to his room. He picks the few things on the floor up and puts them away, makes his bed, and even organizes his desk.

It takes him less than twenty minutes to get it done, which would have surprised his mother immensely. A quick trip downstairs gives him time to pop two Eggos in the toaster, and while he waits on them he grabs a few things from upstairs.

When he gets back down the Eggos have popped up and cooled enough for him to pick up and carry without a plate. He heads down to the basement and sits in the blanket fort, still standing exactly how it was when he put it up two years ago.

First he grabs his supercom, setting it to the same channel he's used for two years, the one his friends never use.

"Hi El, it's October twenty first, about seven forty five a.m, day three hundred fifty three. If you're out there at all, just give me some kind of sign," He says, the words desperate and hollow.

He waits for a while, just staring at the speaker on the supercom. When no answer is forthcoming he lets out a choked sigh, setting it down.

Second, Mike grabs his journal, the one Dr. Owens had suggested he keep. He hadn't written in it everyday, or even most days, but there was an entry for most of the important days of the last year.

He picks up his pencil, starting to write a new entry. This one is much longer than any of the others, it has to be. As he writes he starts to eat his Eggos, getting some crumbs on the pages but not bothering to wipe them off.

His mother comes back while he sits there writing, calling his name twice with no answer. She goes upstairs to check his room, pleasantly surprised by the immaculate condition of her son's room. Rather than hunt him down to do the other chores, she decides to let him be. She has an important meeting with the divorce lawyer and her soon-to-be ex-husband Ted that afternoon.

Mike just keeps writing, having to put the journal down more than once so he doesn't ruin the pages with tears. Hours later, when the water starts running in the shower upstairs and makes the pipes groan for a few seconds, Mike sets down the pencil. He takes another couple minutes to check what he wrote, holding the book away from him so his tears don't soak the page.

"I'm done," He murmurs, closing his eyes, a small smile creeping onto his face. "I'm coming El."

Finally he picks up the handgun, holds it against his temple, and pulls the trigger.

* * *

Writing this made me want to cry. All I was planning to do was go through the five stages of grief, but the more I wrote the more I realized that El not coming back would have destroyed Mike forever. I was hoping I could spin something where he made it to the acceptance stage, but that just didn't seem likely.

Just in case you don't know, the five stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

As for Dr. Owens being a psychiatrist, it just seemed partially fitting to his character. I see him as at least having some understanding of psychology, if not expressly being a psychologist, so a psychiatrist is the medium between since they're required to have medical training.

I have two more chapters of this planned, one where they find Mike's body, and one of all the journal entries he wrote. I also have a much less depressing story that I'll be posting later, so check that one out for some happy times for the Stranger Things cast.


	2. Chapter 2

Hello again, fellow fanfiction readers!

Thank you to those of you who left a review, I wasn't sure if anyone would really want to know the rest. I also really like to respond to comments, so:

iAmCC- I hate myself for this story as well, trust me, and I also have a complicated relationship with El or Mike dying in stories. I also have a love for psychology though, and the idea of trying to figure out how Mike would have processed El's death was too tempting to pass up.

Purple Rose of Darkness- I don't really know who gave me the right, but it seems to have worked out pretty well so far. Hopefully these last two won't disappoint

SSJGamerYT- I completely understand wanting to see the reactions of the other kids, but I made a point to myself that I would focus specifically on Mike and the five stages of grief. If I tried to write about the other kids I don't think I could have finished, it was depressing enough writing what I did.

KeepCalmandLoveStrangerThings- your story was actually the reason this idea started in my head in the first place. I kind of hate you for it, but I also love your story and the sequel. Since the concept of the story is the same, there are bound to be similarities, but I tried my best to go in a distinct direction by going through the five stages of grief. I can't wait to read more of your sequel, and I hope you enjoy this story

Whether you read my responses or not, enjoy the story and try not to cry(like I did)...

* * *

 **October 22**

Nancy can't shake the feeling that something is wrong with Mike. Something more than everything that's normally wrong with him these days.

He'd told her 'I love you' without any kind of prompting. He even thanked her and said it again. Something about it just seems off.

She can't focus on her classes at all that day, and during calculus she finally breaks. She picks up her test, nothing written on it, not even her name, and puts it on her teacher's desk, much to his surprise.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this right now," She says before rushing out of the room.

Nobody has a chance to stop her, too stunned that she would just skip out of class halfway through. Straight A Nancy Wheeler, never done a bad thing in her life, leaves the building altogether.

She gets in her car, a used one her parents had gotten her so she could drive herself and Mike to school last year, and peels out of the parking lot, kicking up the loose stones and dirt under her tires.

Her whole body is numb as she races home, coming to a screeching halt outside the house. With fumbling fingers she unlocks the front door.

"Mike!" She calls as loud as she can.

"Nancy?" A voice calls back.

She runs up the stairs to find her mother, wearing a bathrobe with her hair in a towel. Karen looks incredibly confused by her daughter's being home, but Nancy pushes past her to check Mike's room.

"Nancy, what are you doing home?" Karen asks.

"Where's Mike?" Nancy demands, not even hearing the question.

"I think he's in the basement," Her mother answers, still incredibly confused. Nancy starts off down the stairs at a run. "What's this about?"

Nancy throws the basement door open and runs down two at a time, her heart pounding hard enough to break out of her chest.

Her blood turns to ice when she sees him, her heart almost stopping altogether. She lets out a painful choked cry, tears welling up as she falls to her knees.

"Nancy, what's going on?" Her mother questions from the top of the stairs.

When Nancy doesn't say anything, just continuing to cry, she goes down as well.

"Oh God," Karen whispers when she sees her son.

Mike's body is slumped over in the pillow fort, the gun still loosely held in his hand where it had gone slack. A spray of blood covers one side of the fort, and a small pool has formed under where his head is laying to the side. The ghost of a smile is still etched onto his face.

Karen takes a while before coming back to herself. She gently helps Nancy up, guiding her up the stairs and closing the door behind them.

The phone rings soon and she answers it numbly. It's the office at the preschool about Holly needing to be picked up, though another parent has offered a ride. Rather than get her youngest involved in what just happened she tells them to let Holly go with a friend for the night, and that the other parent can call her later.

Neither of the Wheeler women talks, not for a long time. When there's a knock at the door Karen answers it, revealing Mike's friends. They take the news as one would expect, with disbelief and an ocean of tears. She stops any of them from going in the basement, despite their disbelieving efforts.

It's almost dark by the time Karen thinks to call the police, and even then, only Hopper comes out. He goes over the scene, finding the journal with the latest entry in it.

Nancy is the first to read it, quickly breaking out in a new round of sobs as she does. They gingerly pass it around, the last thoughts of Mike Wheeler written just for them, covered in Eggo crumbs.

Will turns more and more pale as he reads, finally thrusting the book at Dustin as he runs to the bathroom to throw up.

As the night wears on the same terrible feeling sets in to all of them.

Mike Wheeler is gone.

Forever...

* * *

I haven't legitimately cried from reading or writing a story until I wrote this one. I've done everything I hate by writing this, like killing my favorite characters, but I love figuring out 'what if' scenarios more than anything. I know there's probably a lot more detail I could have put in, but I promised myself I wouldn't edit this any more after I finished it a month ago. I didn't even want to post it, but it bothered me to just leave it sitting there.

I encourage everyone to read The World Stopped by KeepCalmandLoveStrangerThings. It's the story that inspired this one, and I think it's amazing. Just maybe read something happy first.

There's one more chapter of this to post, the journal entries Mike wrote over the 353 days. They're the part that really made me cry, so now you've been warned


	3. Chapter 3

Welcome back to the final installment of No More!

If you've made it this far, you must be a glutton for punishment, just like me. I admire your dedication. Thank you again to those of you who left a review, your support and feedback are greatly appreciated. Speaking of reviews:

speedermeen- thank you for the enthusiasm, I hope you managed to stop screaming in the last few days.

Usiel21- I started this with the hope that I could give it a happy ending, but I try to go in the most realistic route with my writing, and I just couldn't picture Mike ever being able to come to terms with El actually dying.

darthstormer- just imagine the feels I had while writing this. I don't cry often, and I had to put my laptop down more than once so I wouldn't get it wet. My mind scares me sometimes, especially when it creates things like this.

AliKattt-I tried my best to go in a separate direction, and I'm glad you like the journal idea.

Supernova8812- I'm glad you like the story enough to analyze the differences between mine and The World Stopped. I'll recommend reading something happy along with them to regain some feels. As for Dr. Owens' questionable methods, it's a legitimate counseling approach(according to my research at least) that is used to build two-way understanding in difficult cases.

KeepCalmandLoveStrangerThings- thank you for your appreciation. I don't know about my writing this better, it's just a different take on the same concept. I will always have a weird love/hate for The World Stopped and its sequel because I love reading them, but they're just so sad. Thanks for the feedback and support

Sorry if those took a while to read, I just really like to respond to my readers. As a forewarning, I haven't proofread most of this, and I can't say I remember much of what I wrote. I put this entire story together in a morning, and then swore not to edit it ever again because it makes me too sad.

Without further ado, grab your tissues, and enjoy the inner thoughts of Mike Wheeler...

* * *

 **Mike's Journal**

 **November 10**

Day 8

Hi El,

I miss you so much, it feels like I can't breathe sometimes. We had your funeral on Wednesday, November 7th, the day we first met. We were all there for it, even Dr. Owens came. Mom said I should bring flowers, but I knew you didn't want them, so I brought you another box of Eggos, your favorite. Nancy says I should start seeing Dr. Owens to help with all of this, but they don't understand. Nothing is going to make this better.

I wish I'd gotten to tell you that I love you before it happened. I hope that, wherever you are right now, you know how much I love you, now and forever.

 **December 5**

Day 33

I got in another fight with Troy today, but this time I won. He started making fun of you, so I beat his face in. I don't think he's going to try to bully us anymore after that, but if he does I'll actually kill him this time. I was suspended for it though, so my mom and dad aren't happy. They just don't understand, they never knew you. Nancy is still making me see Dr. Owens, but he doesn't help. He says he 'understands', just like everyone else, but they don't. They didn't know you like I did, they didn't love you the way I did.

 **December 15**

Day 43

Tonight was the Snowball. I didn't go, but the others decided to see what it's like. I didn't want to go if it wasn't with you, I promised to take you after all. Do you remember what I told you about it? The big cheesy dance in the gym at school, with bad snacks, pictures, and decorations? I know you would have looked beautiful for it, you always looked beautiful. I don't know how you could make being covered in dirt, with ripped clothes and a nosebleed, look beautiful, but you always did. You'd have been the most beautiful girl there.

I miss you so much. If there is somewhere you go when you die, I hope you're in the best place. You deserve it, a thousand times over.

 **December 25**

Day 53

Today was Christmas. The only thing I was wishing for was that this would all be a terrible dream, but it just keeps going. Mom got mad when I didn't want to spend time with them today, even when our other relatives came over. One of my cousins tried to mess with your blanket fort, but I stopped him. Mom got mad at me for that too, but I don't care. Sometimes it still feels like you're around when I sit in there. If you're out there at all, even as a ghost or something, please just give me a sign. I'll bring the supercom every night, just like before.

 **January 3**

Day 62

It was back to school after winter break today. Everyone was talking about what they did over break, like vacation and the presents they got. They don't even know what you did for them, what you sacrificed for them to do that. Troy looked like he wanted to start something too, but I scared him off. If you were here he wouldn't have dreamed of picking on us again, not after you broke his arm. I'm still calling you every night on the Supercom, so if you're out there, please pick up.

 **January 19**

Day 78

I never got to tell you when my birthday was, it just didn't seem so important back then. I'm fourteen as of today, and the party came over to celebrate. We watched a bunch of movies, and I beat Dustin at Dragon Chess for the millionth time. I really wish you were here to celebrate with us.

 **February 14**

Day 104

It's days like today that hurt the most. It's supposed to be all about love, so the only thing I can think about is you. I planned a whole date out for us, though. I bought you a bunch of flowers, eleven roses, and a box of Eggos. I even made a little Eggo pendant for a necklace. The whole date didn't really go as planned, but it doesn't matter. I still got to spend a few hours with you at your grave before Nancy and Jonathan made me leave. They keep saying they understand, but they've been saying that for months now. None of them knows how I feel. If you were here you would understand, but then again, if you were here I wouldn't be feeling this way in the first place.

 **February 17**

Day 107

I started going to church today. I know it sounds stupid, but I saw it in a bunch of movies, so I thought I'd try it. It doesn't seem so bad. If they're getting things right, that means you're in heaven right now, which you deserve more than anyone. Maybe someday we can be together there...

 **March 10**

Day 128

I've got a bunch of things to tell you about today. I started doing the whole Youth Ministry thing at the church, which is basically a group of people younger than eighteen that do weird religious games and community service. Other than that I'm going to be volunteering with the preschoolers and kindergartners after school. I even bought a cross necklace so that God can see what I'm doing all the time. Maybe he'll finally grant my wish and let this all be a dream.

 **March 22**

Day 140

It was Will's birthday today, so I'm writing this at his house instead of in the fort. The others went home after the party because their parents had other plans for the weekend, but I don't have anything going on until Sunday. Normally I sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag, but the heat stopped working after the party, so Will and I are sharing the bed to stay warm. I never realized how small he really is until he was right next to me. And I never knew he was always so cold, you would think it was below freezing outside. I just hope it's not a side effect from the Mind Flayer, so I'll do my best to keep him warm.

 **April 12**

Day 161

Spring Break started today. It's basically just a week in the middle of April when you don't have school. The party wants to go to the arcade every day, but I'm actually going on a retreat with the Youth Ministry for a couple of days at the end of the week. They just don't seem to realize how important God can be in their lives. I won't be in the fort for a few days, but I'll bring the Supercom with me so I can keep calling. If you're out there, answer if you can.

 **May 17**

Day 196

It was Dustin's birthday today. We played a whole bunch of video games and watched movies, and his mom put out the best party spread I've ever seen. I wish you could have been there, you probably would have been really good at video games after some practice.

 **June 14**

Day 224

Today was the last day of school, which means I'll have a lot more free time. I won't have any schoolwork to worry about, and half of my volunteering is going away until next year. I've been visiting you as often as I can this year, but now I'll be able to come more often.

 **July 4**

Day 244

It was the 4th of July today. I guess you probably never learned what that was, but there are always a bunch of fireworks. They're really cool to watch, and you can see them from almost anywhere in town. The party went to the park where they were actually happening, but I wanted to watch with you, so I brought you some more Eggos to share. I hope they have fireworks in heaven, so we can watch them together, someday.

 **July 29**

Day 269

The party left for a beach trip today, something to do before all the back-to-school stuff starts. Joyce managed to convince Hopper to come with us, but he still isn't doing too well. You can smell alcohol around him whenever you see him, and we're pretty sure he's back to abusing his antidepressants again. We still miss you so much. You never got to go to a beach and swim before, or build sandcastles. I'm sure Heaven has beaches somewhere, so we can go together when we see each other again.

 **August 13**

Day 284

It's officially back to school season now, so mom is making us all get new school clothes. You never cared what I was wearing, and I wish mom could be the same way. It's going to be weird starting at Hawkins High in the fall, and I really wish you were here to start with us. I'll make sure to tell you all about it.

 **September 4**

Day 306

Today was the first day of school. It's not terrible so far, but the upperclassmen keep giving the party weird looks. I really hope they don't try to cause trouble. Still missing you every day, I love you.

 **September 17**

Day 319

It's been getting worse and worse at the high school since we started. The stupid upperclassmen keep picking on Will because they think he's gay. I've gotten in three fights with them already when they tried to give him swirlies, but it's worth it for him. I wish you two could have gotten to know each other, you're a lot alike. Don't worry about me though, I'll keep the party safe.

 **September 28**

Day 330

Today was Lucas' birthday. He and Max finally became an official couple. You didn't get the chance to know Max either, but she's okay. She could never take your place in the party, but she's a nice person, and she's not afraid to get her hands dirty when the upperclassmen are being assholes. I've still been calling every night, so if you hear any of the messages, please respond. I'll stop by your grave again tomorrow with more Eggos.

 **October 1**

Day 333

I got suspended again today for fighting. The upperclassmen were trying to give Will a swirly in a full toilet though, what was I supposed to do? Of course, mom and dad didn't understand that. They wouldn't understand if it walked up to them and bit them in the ass. And even when I tried to explain it to them, dad got really mad and slapped me. I'm not sure if it's really worth trying with everyone anymore, the only ones still giving me a real chance are Will and Nancy.

 **October 5**

Day 336

Mom and dad announced that they're getting a divorce. Dad moved out right after that, and mom won't give us any explanation. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, our family's been falling apart for a long time now. You'd understand if you were still here, or at least you'd try. You always tried with everything, no matter what, you never gave up. I don't know if I can keep trying though, it's all starting to be too much to deal with. I can feel the pressure in my chest coming back again, just like it was right after you died. If you're out there, please help me. You're the only one I know strong enough to get through all of this.

 **October 18**

Day 350

The party made plans for Halloween this year. The theme is supposed to be our characters from D&D, so I would be going as a paladin. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to go though, it just doesn't feel right without you there as our mage. Nothing seems to feel right these days, then again, nothing's felt right since last November. It's been almost three hundred fifty three days again, and the pressure in my chest is definitely back again. It hurts to breathe sometimes, and the nightmares have been getting worse again. We might be together again sooner than I thought.

 **October 22**

Day 353

This will probably be my last journal entry. I gave calling you one last shot, but still no answer. Unless something happens between now and when I finish this entry, I'll be seeing you really soon.

I guess I should say some goodbyes, that's what they do in the movies, right? I know it's been a tough year for everyone, mostly because of me, but I hope you guys will read your parts at some point. Consider this the last will and testament of Michael Wheeler.

Nancy, I can't thank you enough times. You never gave up on me this year, no matter how many times I've given up on myself. Every Saturday when you dragged me to see Dr. Owens I resented you for it, but it was more than anyone else was trying to do. Whatever happens, don't blame yourself. You were the best older sister anyone could ever asked for, and don't let anyone ever tell you differently. Holly's going to need someone like you in her life, so just keep doing what you've always done for us. I love you, no matter what.

Mom, I know if you read the rest of this journal you'll think this was your fault. We haven't been on the best terms for a long time now, a lot of which is my fault. I don't want you to blame yourself either, this was my decision, and it's one I've been trying to put off for a long time now. I just can't do it anymore, which isn't your fault. I hope you and dad can work things out between you, for Holly's sake. Don't forget that I love you.

Holly, it might be a long time before you can read this, but I hope mom lets you see it someday. I guess I won't get to see you grow up anymore as your big brother, but I know you'll do just fine. Make sure you listen to mom and Nancy, they're smart people, but don't forget to listen to yourself too. I had so much fun getting to spend time with you during the after-school programs last year, and I hope you can still remember them when you read this. You were a perfect little lighthouse for me this year; you never expected anything from me but to be your big brother, and it really helped on some of the worst days. Never forget that. I'll always be watching out for you, wherever I end up, and I love you so much.

Will, you were the first friend I ever made. By now you're more like my brother than my friend, so I wanted to put you up with the rest of my family. You're the nicest, most caring, and considerate person I've ever known. It really helped to know that you could understand some of what I was going through this year, and I hope you know that. Don't let the bullies at school get to you, they're just a bunch of mouthbreathers. You're Will the Wise, and you can do amazing things, ones that nobody else could ever do. Never forget that you were my brother, and I love you like one.

P.S: I want you to have my D&D stuff, all of it. There's a new campaign that I wrote in my notebook for you guys, and I want you guys to enjoy it, even if I'm not there. You're always the one to get us to work together, so I hope you can keep the party together and having fun.

Lucas, you're my best friend. I know we had our differences a couple times, but we always managed to stay friends. This year hasn't been great between us, but I'm happy that you finally got enough spine to get Max to be your girlfriend. You were always the more rational one between us, so I leave protecting the party to you, and I know you'll be great at it. No matter what, don't let everyone fall apart after this. You were like a brother to me too, so I hope you know how I feel writing this.

Dustin, I know we didn't meet until the fourth grade, but that doesn't mean you were any less one of my best friends. Even when I was at my lowest, I could always count on you to come in with a joke, even a bad one. I hope you can try to cheer everyone up after this, if anyone can do it, it's going to be you. There are so many things that I can't put into words for this, the things that really matter. Don't think that you're any less of a brother to me either, you were one of the best.

Max, we haven't known each other very long, and I haven't exactly been the greatest person during that time. I'm sorry for everything that happened between us, I shouldn't have taken it out on you. You're an amazing person, and you're never afraid to get right into the middle of something. Lucas is going to need your help protecting the party, I know I did. I'm sure if I was in a better place this last year we could have become great friends, but as it stands, I'm still really glad I got to know you. I want you to have my Supercom. As an official party member you need to have one of your own, so take mine. It's the least I can do.

Mrs. Byers, you were as good as a second mother to me. You never said no when I asked to stay over, even when it was probably super inconvenient. Even with all the weird stuff that happened, you never stopped caring about us like your own kids. I can't ever say thank you enough for everything you've done for me, but I hope you know that I love you like family.

Jonathan, you were as much an older brother for me as Will sometimes. You taught us how to play D&D, and even when you stopped playing you always wanted to know how it was going. I hope you get to go to NYU after this year, you'll be the world's greatest photographer in no time. I'm sure of it.

Steve, we never really got along. You were always the 'Mr. Popular' dating my sister, but I'm glad you stuck around for everything that happened. You and your nail bat will always have a special place in my mind, so thanks for keeping us safe on our special mission last year. I don't really know you very well beyond that, so I'll just say good luck with whatever you do in the future.

Hopper, we ended up being more alike than I'd like to admit. We both fell apart after El died, which probably wasn't the greatest way to remember her. I hope you can get back to the person you were when she was still around, no matter how much we didn't like each other, he's a lot better than who you are now. We never really did talk about the year you were hiding her. I can't say I'm not still mad about it, but at least it kept her alive that long. If it meant that she would still be alive, I'd rather you still be hiding her away. At least try to get better, if not for yourself than for her memory. She didn't die for this.

El, you have been the love of my life since the moment we met in the woods. There hasn't been a day that goes by without me missing you, or thinking about you. Ever since you died I've had an empty feeling in my soul, and it won't get smaller or go away no matter what I try. I can't keep going in a world that you're no longer a part of, so I'll be joining you soon. We can finally be together this time, the way we should have been the first time. I love you, now and forever, more than anything else in the world.

I love all of you so much. Don't let this break you apart, you're all stronger than that. You'll all be great people, and you'll all do amazing things. I know it.

Goodbye everyone...

* * *

That's all folks, I hope everybody enjoyed, or at least didn't cry too hard, and that you still have some feels left after reading. I created the dates at random, except for the big holidays, so don't take any of them as canon.

If anyone out there ever feels like they're alone, please remember that you're not. There are people out there that care, people that will do anything and everything they can to help you if you give them a chance.

I know this is just a story, but words and ideas can make a big difference for some people. Don't let that difference be something bad, ask for help if you need it. The suicide prevention hotline is available 24/7 for support at 1-800-273-8255

To all my readers, thank you if you made it this far. This is the first story I've ever written and posted that I'll be able to say is complete. If you're looking for something happy to read(which I highly recommend after a story like this) you can check out my other story Number Games, which starts off with a bunch of happy fluffy chapters, or any of the other hundreds of stories about Stranger Things.

Until we meet again, wander free wherever the road of life may take you!

 **UPDATE:** If you want some kind of happy ending to this tragic story of Mike and Eleven, I will be posting a new story(I don't know if it'll be a one-shot or a multi-chapter story) about Mike and El reuniting in the afterlife. I have an interesting idea for how to go about it, and I'm looking forward to it now. A big thank you to iAmCC for giving me the idea in their review, I never would have thought to write some kind of happy ending after this without you!


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